So my trek continued from Hongde to Kengsar on 11/2/15.
We had a great breakfast in the kitchen of the teahouse. It is nice to travel amidst the Nepali friends and families because you get to see a more natural and everyday way of life throughout the villages and our stops along the way. As a tourist trekker sometimes the only thing you can really communicate to the locals is how much the cost for sleeping and eating is so I have found myself really seeking out Nepali friends and conversations everywhere I go because I feel much more welcomed and at home being able to communicate with the people who I come into contact with. It was cold and cozy around the fire for breakfast, watching the woman work in the kitchen to put our food out in front of us. I had a new bread called Phapar Roti (a buckwheat pancake) and continue to learn all the Nepali words as I go.
As we hiked out that day I felt some loneliness in my heart. I felt mad at God and wasn’t sure how to express the anger besides tear up and walk faster just reeling with thoughts about where I was in all of this traveling and living. I didn’t ask to be divorced and I seemed to feel more shameful recently about where I was in all of it partially because in this culture getting a divorce is looked upon much like it was in the United States 50 years ago, it’s just not accepted or nearly as common. What strikes me is hearing a few times from Nepali’s that “we dont get married twice”! I just want to scream next time I hear something like this. It’s just another example of how sometimes the things people say can bring up such feelings of failure or sadness when it comes to the changes I have experienced in the past 2 years. No one gets married and has a thought about getting divorced on their wedding day. It was beautiful marriage for many years we loved and shared and stuck through so much. We experienced great joys and pains along the way and when it came to dealing with real life as everyone must do; finances, jobs, death, sadness, hurt, pain, loneliness we simply grew apart rather than together.
So that day I hurt thinking about being with someone side by side going through life together and how wonderful I felt and how normal it all seemed to be when a strong, loving, kind, hard working man was part of my life. Mike was all those things but things changed and we didn’t survive the fight. I really can’t change how we dealt with things – the divorce is final I can’t rewind the clock but I can cherish the memories and the strength I have gained knowing I have so much more to share. This is where the past can zap the present and future from us – remaining hurt, resentful, ashamed or bitter is a slippery slope to lost time. It’s a new chapter for me and I can remain feeling shameful and out of place, being divorced and cast away or I can embrace what it is and be a stronger better woman from all of the things I have experienced and survived. I will choose to be stronger to fight harder and to keep hope in my heart that life is right where it is supposed to be.
So I was angry for a good bit of time that day and I knew that Parash was aware of my emotions as he asked how I was and even encouraged me at one point to ‘let it go.’ I did I screamed out over a river for God to stop giving me what seemed to be far too much pain and emptiness in my heart. I actually made the guys stop and count to 3 to yell as loud as we could because I really felt like just bursting apart at the seams. I told Parash I was feeling pain in my heart and it had nothing to do with the trek or the situation unfolding around the group and us. I wanted things to be different sometimes, I wanted a family, I wanted to be traveling alongside my partner for life, experiencing these new things with the intense exciting love of another but for some reason God felt me strong enough to be in this place but I wasn’t always ready to take on what he gave. Grief continues to come in waves and can be almost paralyzing and unbearable at times being here in Nepal by myself and not knowing the language can make the feelings multiply. It was simply a time that loneliness had set in and took hold and I was thankful at that moment to be surrounded by new friends that I could trust to just let go and not be ashamed of who I was in that moment. So on we went toward the next stop and I cleared the cobwebs with each new step knowing my future was in my hands and no one else held that power. I will share more from the trek later as for now I guess I needed to clear up some thoughts and forget the story telling:)
It was Mike’s birthday yesterday (11/9) which brought about more reason to write and process after re-reading my words from the day on 11/2 and 11/3. I am missing my dogs Sadie and Peanut, as they are with Mike and I haven’t been able to reach him since I started this journey in September. I can only pray everyone is healthy back home and no news is good news.
I start back out today from a village called Tatopani on the Annapurna circuit with much hope in my heart that I will continue finding peace and joy and common fellowship with others out on the same journey. I’m focusing on controlling only what I can today, staying safe and healthy on the road to my next stop in Ghorapani.
Thank You Tatopani for the rest stop and swim in the hot springs- it was a much needed recharge!